As the wise folks one said “You should do exciting stuff to keep one’s marriage alive… add some spice to life…blah…blah”
This missus took these words quite literally. So for our 3rd wedding anniversary, the missus wanted to do things different. Obviously such things trigger fear and anxiety than joy to her counterpart.
I said innocently, “Do things differently? Please elaborate”.
The missus would then elaborate the whole thing for the next 2 hours which could have been spent something more useful like (watching re-runs of friends, reading something important like the evolution of porn on wiki and so…).

In short, the missus decided to have a performance review . She decided to have a performance review of all my activities which i performance or rather did not perform.

Well, the missus being a team-lead at work too the job at hand seriously and formalized the process and handed me with a form with the following categories (with explanations provided by me):

1. Following workplace organization methodologies like 5S , proper SCM standards etc.:

Now SCM, as per the wiki is defined ; Supply chain management (SCM) is the management of a network of interconnected businesses involved in the ultimate provision of product and service packages required by end customers. Yeah a whole lot of blah blah…
At home it meant whether the dirty clothes made to the laundry bag, then to the washing machine, then to the drying area and then to the laundry-wala.

This is evaluated by how many times the missus had to yell

“Laundry bags are full!”,

“Bathroom is stinking!”,

“I am wearing my fave red-colored-black-ribboned-off-white-laced-US-bought shirt after 3 months!” etc etc.

Important aspect of SCM  is using the right resources

Also, did i use the correct resources?
Missus: “Did you use the blue soap powder for dark clothes?”
Me(thinking): “Blue soap powder? dark clothes?” (having no clue what or where is this mysterious blue soap powder is)
Me: Yes sure!
Missus: You sure? ( giving quizzical ACP-Pradyuman look from CID)
Me: Obviously, I love you baby.. Did you see the new sale at eastside…. (Change topic)
Missus nonchalanced…sees right through my trick) “Also put these clothes in the yellow laundry bag”
Me thinking hard this time)  Yellow? We have red (for dark clothes), blue(for white), green(laundry).
Me: Surely (and frantically searching for that yellow bag!)

After SCM, now 5S!
5S: sorting, straightening, systematic cleaning, standardizing, and sustaining . The list describes how items are stored and how the new order is maintained.

At home, it means
“Did the week old dirty mug reach the sink ?” ,
“Did the old newspaper go into the right place?” ,
“Did the garbage go out in the right time?” .Note: Right time indicates time before the house was cordoned of as “toxic area! Enter at your own risk!”
Missus: “How many times do i have to you, that this thing belongs in the study area?”
Me: Absentmindedly “yeah,yeah…..wait we have a study area?” . I have lived in the same house as the missus for the last 2 years and i f***ing don’t know about any “study area”.

The areas in the house i know were: eating area, sleeping area (which is any place in the house where i can stretch my legs without hurting my back) and thinking area(yeah toilet).

Apparently i was shown this “study area” twice last year! Surely this is will hurt my ratings.

Another aspect of this 5S is not only keeping things properly, but remembering where which thing is kept.
Missus:”Where is the <really-important-worth-million-dollars> document? Hope you have kept it properly?”
Me: (grinning with pride, brimming with confidence) “Yes dear, I have kept it very properly!” (which i actually did)
Missus: “Where?!”
Me(thinking): Omigod, i don’t have a clue . I know i kept it properly, but where?
Me pride gone, confidence broken) “Ummm…arr.bb..gg… I love you baby There is a sale….”
Missus cutting in) “STFU! and search for that document”

So apparently, keeping things properly is important, but remembering where it is kept is the most important thing!.

2. “How many times i have told you that?” test.
(no need for explanations, examples will do
How many times i have told you that :
“have a bath before going to work”
“shave before anyone from my side comes home”(especially kids, without a shave…apparently i don’t look cool like Abhishek Bachchan or Vivek Oberoi but really scary like Irfan Khan explaining inflation)
“go to the gym!!”
“pay electricity bills, before they come personally to give notice”
“to stop writing stupid blogs and doing something useful with life”
“go to the dentist and fix those yellow teeth and no they are not golden but yellow” and so on…..

3. Eyeing potential acquisition which will never happen:

In other words.. staring at other beauties (ladies/gurls/aunties) besides the missus.
Oh wait. Not aunties. Just the rest.

Missus: “You go to the gym so regularly but haven’t shed a single pound??” (which translates to Do you work out or chat/gossip/flirt/stare at other beauties ?)

Missus: “Ahhrg! Don’t brake so urgently.. Pay attention to the road while driving” ( not to  Scarlett Johannson’s minimally clad bilboard!!”

This is also depends on the amount of the newspaper-reading-time spent on reading PuneMirror ogling Megan Fox, Pamela Anderson etc in her their finest attire.

Another factor  here is how many times i commented on a (female) friend’s photo on facebook about her new look, new hair cut but failed to recognize that the missus looks different after going to the parlor (got a new haircut, did her eyebrows, got a facial and even colored her hair).

4. Being a Cheapo!

That means taking the missus to eat at the road side chinese restaurant instead of “MainLand China” citing that even in China the best food is served on the road side.
Also, going to Shoppers’ Stop, Westside etc during non-sale season and not “liking” any dress.
The catchline “This makes you look fat!” always works.
Taking the missus to Goa during off-season (when rates are half) .
“Off season, no crowds na baby” or “Goa is so hot, but see Pune is hotter” and so on..

5. Wisecracks.
Now this means cracking jokes (especially pjs which *only* i think are funny) anytime,  especially when the missus watching some tense moments her favorite sitcoms like CID, Jhansi ki Rani, Indian Idol etc . Yes they are sitcoms, but you need to see it a different light.

Now the evalution was done by the missus, the ratings given and then she had that look in her eyes. Yes the ACP Pradyuman look which is followed by the now-made-famous statement “Daya , darwaza tod do!” . In this case the darwaza was me!
Missus: “What kind of performance rating do you expect?”
Me: “I love you baby… You look slim today”
Missus: “I was only chubby when i was kid. What rating ?”
Me: “There is a sale in today…”
Missus: “-ve points for using clichéd sentences”
Then i swiftly reached my pocket and unleashed something from it (as a quick as Batman would unleash a new gadget on to his opponent … ok not as a quick…who am i kidding?).
Something that shines, exhales brillance and radiance.

At this moment, the look on the missus’s face changed to wonder, pleasant surprise and exuberance.

What was that something? It was the girl’s best friend !

Me:(thinking) “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend! …what crap … they are a man’s best friend to get them out of such situations”

This missus is damn happy, forgets about any reviews, performances etc and hugs me . I again, as swiftly as Batman try to snatch the performance review paper and trash it. The missus faster than me (obviously) swings around, holds on to the paper, gives a wry smile…. “There is always next year na honey !”

The chances of me actually exercising are shown here:

One fine day, i was forced out of the bed and then out of the toilet and then out of the house to attend the aerobics class. Regretting the decision to wake up in the first place, i treaded slowly into the aerobics room.
The instructor arrived early (sigh!) and the session started.

Few minutes into the session and i realized i was in an 80s’ song-and-dance sequence with Jitendra and Sridevi lip-syncing to “Toofah Toofah Toofah, laya laya laya”. I just needed whilte overalls and some white shoes. I could have easily passed of as one of the dancers in the last row who does not know what the hell he is doing.
The lead dancer (aerobics instructor) felt more of a B-grade Mithun lookalike; similar to the B-grade Harbhajan lookalike in the new Aircell Ad. He was very fast; hard to keep up types.
and in worse-case he expected us to be in sync.

WTF?! We weren’t some wannabe-dancers competing in some reality show but were a bunch of sleep deprived slow-witted folks with hardly any sense of where we were.

There were chicks in the front ( I come from an engg. college so imagine my definition of chicks) who were able to actually follow what our Mithun lookalike was doing. I was *innocently* following their steps.

The feeling of being part of a B-grade movie dance sequence became overwhelming when i realized the aunties around me were gyrating.
Slowly the dance steps changed from Jumping jack to Govinda and now the centrifugal forces around me were thrust onto me with greater effect.

When i narrated the experience (i.e 80s style dancing not the chick staring part) to my beloved better half; she was laughing her guts out.
Now i will always ensure that i would surely attend these sessions.

People often ask when i get time to think/write these things.

Well in the aerobics session i am pretty sure the people behind me must be writing a blog about some fat jackass who even though looking at the chicks was doing something totally different (obviously hilarious and most importantly entertaining) than the rest of the class.